PSA - Adoption: Common Sense Manners
Posted by: tony on 09/28/2006 12:09 PM
Updated by: tony on 09/28/2006 03:19 PM
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Expires: 10/29/2006 12:00 AM
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Once was a time where people didn't poke their noses into other people's personal matters. Some things were just left alone. Now in the era of Jerry Springer, there seems to be a willingness to ask rude questions of people, sometimes total strangers, and expect answers.
Ma Beck, from WardWideWeb writes:
Adoption: Common Sense Manners
"How much did he cost?"
When you brought home your little bundle of joy from the hospital, how many people asked, "How much did she cost?" None? Right. Because bringing home a child is not like going to Target for a new garden hose. She didn't cost anything. There are fees associated with bringing home baby, no matter how you do it. You either pay a hospital fees due or you pay an orphanage fees due. To imply that I paid for my baby is to reduce her to the status of material goods. Please, don't.
"What happened to her real mom?"
Well, once I won $500 at Bingo, but other than that, it's been pretty uneventful.
I am her real mom. Duh.
"Did you get to go to the orphanage and pick her out?"
See also "How much did he cost?"
"Tell me about her birth family."
Let me make it clear - the first person who's going to get the 411 about the birth family is my child. Not you. No offense.
"China? Let me tell you my socio-political opinions on China. Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah."
Look, the average American can't even point out China on a map, much less have an informed discussion on its internal workings. Let's not and say we did.
"Did you get to meet her father?"
Yep. In fact, I married him.
"Boy, you're a really swell person, adopting a child."
Yeah, we're great. Holy, holy, holy is our name. But the reason we're adopting is because we want to be parents. Heh. Not so holy now, are we?
"Aren't you afraid your daughter might have inherited some of her birthparents' bad traits?"
No. Aren't you afraid yours has?
This would be hysterical if is wasn't so hurtful. The vast majority of people have no clue what it means to adopt or to be adopted.
Another piece of advice, don't bring up adoption with the parent while the child is within earshot. As much as many wannabe social workers may think it's best for a child to know he or she is adopted, it's not your place to tell them.
Also, in this era of "open adoptions" (which was pretty much unheard of when I was a child; most birth mothers wanted to go back to wherever they were originally from, with nobody being the wiser), it's assumed that a child will want to know who their birth parents are, and that birth parents will want to know the child they gave up. Stay out of it. It's none of your business.
I think about my birth parents, unbidden, once every couple of years. I thank them for providing the genetic raw material that supplied my small body. I thank my birth mother for choosing to give me life, and give me up. But those people are no more my parents than someone who orders a load of lumber is a carpenter.
My birth parents supplied what amounts to a pile of lumber and bags of cement. My real parents (adoptive parents) built the house, lovingly, room by room. I am who I am today, primarily because of them.
Thanks for the description of a desperately needed fisking.
(Tip o' the hat to Father Finigan)
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