The Blessing of a Righteous Husband and Father
Posted by: tony on 05/03/2007 11:22 AM
Updated by: tony on 05/03/2007 11:40 AM
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Expires: 06/03/2007 12:00 AM
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I have been reading Ukok's blog for some time, and I enjoy her insight and humor (even though she is from "across the pond" and being a "yankee" sometimes I just don't get it).
She relates the trials and tribulations of being a single "mum":
Sometimes it all just get's too much y'know? I know plenty of married women who feel like that, so it doesn't take much to understand just how difficult it is to be the 'mum' and 'the dad' all rolled into one...to have no support in the home, to have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to step in and say 'enough is enough, don't treat your mother like that'.
There is a fallacy in this statement that I'd like to point out. I am not trying to be mean or insulting.
Ukok, as nice and loving as I imagine she is, cannot be "the dad", any more than the gay partner of a homosexual dad can be "the mum".
I hear this so much from single women raising children: "I have to be the mom and the dad!" And I bite my tongue, because I don't want to get into a heated argument and hurt someone's feelings. But I have to say it here. If you are a single mom, and the man who fathered your child(ren) is still alive, they have a dad. He may be an absent dad, he may be an abusive dad, or in the case of Ukok, he might be an immature dad, but he's still a dad. And you can't be the dad.
This attitude subtly devalues the importance of a righteous father in his children's lives. If a woman can be a "mom and a dad" what would one need a dad for? We see it in hollywood where actresses decide to have children without the benefit of a husband in the home either by artificial insemination, or extra-marital sex. Everyone "ooohs" and "aaahs" about Jodie Foster's new baby. No mention is made about the evil of intentionally bringing a child into the world knowing full well there will be no dad in his or her life (though as in Ukok's case, sometimes single parenthood is not a choice and is thrust upon you by circumstances beyond your control).
But a child growing up without the male presence of a righteous husband and father is a tragedy. It should be avoided at all costs.
Ukok has found this out:
(This is what you get when you don't wait for God to choose your spouse)
It took a little while to get into the swing of things, but my wife and I are a tag team when it comes to our children. If they sass my wife, I come to her defense. If they sass me, she comes to mine. They have a specific set of chores to complete during the week (in addition to whatever homework they have). If they complete them by Friday, they get a certain amount of money. Every day they delay until Sunday, the amount goes down until they are still responsible for doing the chores, only they do it for free.
We still have a battle getting them to turn out the lights when they leave a room, or putting the cordless phone away when they are done with it, but my wife and I are blessed with a couple of the most wonderful young ladies on the planet who on a regular and consistent basis make me so proud of them I could almost burst.
My wife and I make an infinitely more complete "parental machine" than either of us could independently. My wife brings love, care, constancy and gentleness. I bring strength, courage, support and discipline (of which the root word is "disciple"). If one of us were gone, a whole section of the skill set would be missing. I'm sure I could learn to be gentle, but I could never emulate the feminine gentleness of their mom. I could never teach my girls, by myself, how to grow up to be well adjusted young women.
Likewise, Ukok cannot teach her son, by herself, what he needs to know to be a well adjusted young man. He needs to have a positive male role model. A role model who embodies what Ukok considers good and beneficial in a man. She doesn't have to marry him, just allow her son to interact with him (be it a sports coach, a boy scout leader, etc.) Mothers have a habit of discouraging manly pursuits like boxing, martial arts, fencing, target shooting, hunting and trapping. Mothers tend to discourage fighting, while fathers teach sons how and more importantly when to fight.
But almost more importantly, by his example with his wife, a father teaches a young son how a husband relates to his wife. He also teaches his young daughter how a wife is supposed to be treated by a good husband.
I'd like to see: "I am the mom and dad" disappear from a single parent's lexicon.
(Crossposted at Catholic Dads)
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