The Boy Who Went Home
Posted by: tony on 03/12/2008 02:43 AM
Updated by: tony on 03/12/2008 03:01 AM
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Expires: 04/12/2008 12:00 AM
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I read a piece on Radical Catholic Mom regarding a book she read named The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. She then went on to trash adoption with statements like this:
Yet, according to the statistics over one MILLION women who got pregnant from the 1950s to 1972 were forced to give away their children. For the first time ever, we get to hear their side of the story. And it is difficult story to hear-brutal, in fact.
No, actually that is not the story of over one MILLION women. It is the story of a FEW women who were select to support the premise of the book.
Fessler explores the societal and cultural forces in post War America that caused parents to punish their sexually active daughter who got caught.
Hmmm... "Punish" the daughter who got "caught"? In the case of a girl who got pregnant, unless she procured an abortion, she would ultimately get caught. In the case of the other girls, sometimes when they are caught doing things that are self destructive, they might need to be punished to prevent them from doing it again.
In fact, that is the real sin in post War America; being pregnant outside of marriage.
No, the sin is having sex outside of marriage. Being pregnant is the natural consequence of having sex. So yes, being pregnant outside of marriage implies that at some point you committed a sin.
And she explores the long term impact on those women whose babies were stolen from them and given to complete strangers. Fessler, herself is an adoptee whose mother was forced by society to give her away. Fessler focuses on the psychological issues that adoptees also face as well as the adoptive parents.
Forced by "society"? I don't think so. As far as I know (and I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong), but there was no law on the books requiring a woman to give up her child. Was she pressured by her boyfriend, family and church to give her child up to a two parent stable home, especially if the boyfriend was out of the picture? Possibly. Did it happen a lot? Possibly. Did it happen to over one MILLION women? No.
I know I commonly hear ALL-THE-TIME from pro-lifers that a woman who has an unwanted pregnancy should consider adoption not abortion. I used to think the same way. Ironically, the first time I reconsidered came from a college study buddy who shared with me how her mother gave her away for adoption and what that meant for her long term. Like many adoptees I would later discover, she had a deep identity crisis. There is a even a psychological term used for the groups impacted by adoption; A "triad group." Counselors realized that a 1/3 of their patients in the 70s and 80s were connected to that triad group. One surrendering mother in Fessler's book calls adoption a "social experiment."
How offensive. I don't have a deep identity crisis. I am firmly rooted in the culture and religious identity of my parents. As a parent myself, I and my wife are forging the same sort of cultural and religious identity in them. My birth mother and the "sperm donor" are a footnote in my early history having little if anything to do with how I ultimately turned out. Of course when I think of my birth mother (which I rarely do) I say a quick prayer for her peace, happiness and her final reward in heaven. After all, without her, I would not be here. If she were "coerced", I have to thank those who pressured her to make the right decision. It was the right decision for me, if not for her. I have no desire to find out who she is. She was promised by the laws at the time (which have been subsequently changed) that her identity would remain private. I am honoring that compact, even if the state is not. She may have a family of her own that does not know I exist who would be deeply hurt should I show up at her door. My family knows there is a birth mother in my past, but I would not like some strange woman coming out of the woodwork who might want to insinuate herself into the lives of myself and my family.
The other very disturbing aspect of this book is the Church's clear role in coercing women to give away their children. The Catholic Church comes up again and again and again. The role of the priests and the nuns and the Church agencies that stole babies, demeaned the pregnant woman and later who would fight the surrendering mother's desire to find her child.
You might notice that the article I referenced is somewhat old, less current than what I usually blog about. This statement angered me, and I decided to take some time to cool off before I decided to respond.
My Story
I am one of Father Baker's Boys.
Father Nelson Baker founded the Our Lady of Victory orphanage and later the home for unwed mothers. He was a Civil War veteran and a successful businessman before he was 28. When he took over the orphanage building, which was comperable to Father Flannigan's "Boy's Town", there were bars on the windows. He told the workers: "Take off those bars! I'm running a home, not a prison!". The mayor was apprehensive figuring the orpah boys would escape and cause trouble, but there was never a problem caused by any of the children in the home. They lived up to Father Baker's trust in them.
He is named "The Apostle of Charity", and his cause is currently before the Vatican for his canonization as a Saint. My mother told me that no child was ever taken away from the mother at the orphanage. If a mother wanted to retain her rights, and visited her child once a year, that child was not adopted out. Many women chose this path (in my opinion, dooming their child to a life in the orphanage to satisfy their selfish desires). But no child was ever "stolen" from a mother at the home.
So I could project my experience onto all Catholic adoption agencies (as RCM seems to have done with the experience she read about) but I won't. I know that Father Baker's was a special place, and those who in their misfortune found themselves there were truly blessed as I was.
As a side note, I visited the Our Lady of Victory Baslilca and attended a mass there. This was completed by Father Baker in 1925 at a cost of $3.2M and was debt-free the year later.
This church is breathtaking. In 1998 Father Baker "came home" when his earthly remains were interred in the interior of the Basilica.
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